Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have a heart. That I didn’t have emotions or feelings that ran so deeply within my veins. That I grew up with this ideology that I have to be moral and righteous all the time.
Can’t I just be a dirtbag like most people? Can’t I just be selfish once?
I mean, I suppose, in my own way I’m selfish – everyone is.
But going back to what I mean. I just sometimes wish I could stop caring what other people thought of me. I just wish I had the confidence and the strength to be something more than I think I am.
I watched a video of myself the other day. I didn’t recognize the girl until somebody yelled out her name and she responded. That girl, that happy, beautiful girl with the beaming smile was candidly me. And suddenly, as soon as her name was called I found many faults with her.
And I felt bad. I felt guilty. I suddenly realized then, and only then that because this girl emanated such disdain for herself it bled into her world. People felt that strange energy surrounding her, and it drew them back. She doesn’t like to be held, cared for, fought for, complimented.
And yet she expects somebody else to do that for her.
I find myself trapped in another deluge. My mind wanders endlessly and I can’t find the words to fly.
My mind controls my thoughts, my entire being. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being the good girl, the girl who follows the rules. Where were the days this good girl found herself in the middle of the floor, covered in paint.
She was her own paint pallet.
This girl used to have wings but she clipped them off herself, thinking they would destroy her.
But she destroyed herself.
Most of my relationships are very shallow. Not by means of my own. But when you move around so often you remember people and things as they were. They stay and grow up. You move and grow up.
I’m in a place where I’ve changed jobs and occupations. I’m still in the area but I’m not. Its heartbreaking knowing that my friends are right there and that I’m just a figure in the distance now.
Promises were made and broken. And with that the trust has as well. I knew this would happen; I just always forget that it’s inevitable.
Sometimes, I wish I could make myself void of emotions. Sometimes, I wish so many things but in the end I will sit by myself, watching the world move while I stay stagnant.
Somebody once told me: “there will be somebody who has the same sheet of music as you, who hears one note and the melody sings in their soul.” I’m beginning to become very doubtful of that. I’m beginning to doubt everything now.
Yesterday was painful. I found myself in the middle of a conference with my teacher. Telling me I was failing a class.
I’ve never failed a class before.
“Its not a lack of effort; I see you working so hard everyday and the fact you’re feeling this way is genuine. Nobody can take the time that you took into this and give it back to you. I’m moving you to another class that might better suit your needs.”
So the waterworks started and the questions poured out from my lips. Will I? Will it? Am I?
What I got out of it was unexpected, unequivocal respect.
“You’re capable, you just need to tell yourself that. You need to trust you can do it.”
Again, the water flowed.
“Tell you what, you told me yourself if you have a good foundation everything comes easy. This class will put you there.”
It doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I do. It doesn’t stop me from anything.
But it’s a deterrent. A big one. But I’m going to fly, and I’m going to get there even if it takes a few torturous spins. I’ll come out upright.
There are few labels that I personally know and fall under and the other day I heard something that perked my ears: manic pixie dream girl.
I did a search.
Apparently these girls are extremely charming, but serve a simple and shallow purpose in the lives of men. Once they serve their purpose they disappear as quickly as they came.
I don’t know how I really feel about this. In a way I’m flattered, but in another way I’m slightly insulted. I don’t leave unless there’s a real reason for me too.
My door is never quiet. My name is constantly on lips wondering where I am with a question.
“Hey, can you help me with ___?”
I never say no, which is a bad thing sometimes, but they know and trust me and considering everything.
I’m glad they do. I’m glad that things are looking up.
You probably don’t read this anymore; after all, I’ve blocked you and kept your secrets but honestly I hate the decision I had to make. It wasn’t easy but that’s being an adult.
There were too many things that were said that I can’t ignore. Our history is important, but that’s all it is, history. Just like this incident you’ve impacted my life in that way.
I’ve walked out on account of many reasons here are a few:
1) our friendship will never be the same afterward, I’ll be cold, distant, and unable to trust and confide in you.
2) I ruined your ___. Granted, it was ruined before I got there but I was the catalyst for pretty much everything. Even though I didn’t do anything.
3) your wife is a ___. I hate saying it but I feel it’s completely necessary now. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t take time for you and she strongly dislikes me for a reason that never happened.
4) regardless of who you are, and the extent of your friendship with me you do not take out all your anger on me. That’s common sense. Especially in the form of text messages.
5) I’ve grown up. I don’t need somebody to hold my hand everything I take a step. You feel the need to grab it and hold it but unfortunately if this kept up I’d veer away from you anyway, and you’d chase me.
My decision is final, hate me all you want. I’m pulling the selfish card to get myself out of an unhealthy friendship. You’re a good person; we just can’t be friends.