Crushed confidence

Today was actually a horrible day. I spent most of my morning searching for a pair of shorts that was cleaned and folded and had somehow disappeared (something I believe one of my dogs decided to expedite upon) and had to miss Zumba as a result of me washing my clothes again and hoping that they dry in time for my timed 10:30 run where I would meet some veteran runners and attempt to make myself better.

 

So I ran to the store and bought two pairs of shorts just so that this situation never happened again and waited patiently at the destination, sending out text messages letting them know I’m there.

“But the time we were meeting was noon?”

My face blanched – I had changed an hour after I had asked and they had all responded affirmatively.

“No, I have a drivers test at no-”

before I could finish my text I got this:

“Wait, I forgot. I’m so sorry.”

Three more texts:

“I’m really sorry.”

 

I found myself in a meadow questioning my own loyalty, my own dedication to my friends, which was always and forever them first. I caught one of the people with their other kissing fervently. And I sat there and cried calling my mother letting her know that my friends aren’t friends and it’s always them first and never I first. My mother, in her everlasting realm of knowledge talked me through it and told me to call an old friend. She’s much younger than me but much wiser and said the following:

 

Screw them. You’re so much better than all of them combined. We’re going to *insert location*

 

I had a drivers test to take, I had to refuse. I went home home and made myself the fattiest, unhealthiest food delicacy I could think of and ate it up as much as I could. I didn’t cry afterward, I think I just needed to reward myself after all of the trials and tribulations that I’ve been subjected to very recently. (within the past month). I needed to cry. I needed to let myself know that I wasn’t wonder woman and I couldn’t please everybody. I should always come first.

 

I walked around home home and took the following pictures.

 

ImageImage 

 

Cleverly taken to make it harder to know where my location is. :]

But also to signify a few things about myself:

There are buildings growing inside of me that I’m not aware of and instead of growing out and spreading the beauty and love they’re growing up and are about ready to topple over the already broken foundations they are on. They need love and nurturing and lots of confidence.

I am restricted by my own personal boundaries of loyalty and valor. I push over the boundaries to earn the affections and love of others but it is never for myself.

 

Yesterday a friend made me eat something I did not want. She shoved it into my mouth as if I were a child. When you let somebody take over your personal space and your personal convictions there is something very wrong.

 

I suppose today taught me that the very hard way.

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