Opened doors

I’ve been posting a lot lately and consistently. I’m pleased with myself. So pleased I’m continuing this trend with another midnight post.

Sometimes, I think and wonder, and think and wonder, what it would be like to not be so introspective and just take a risk, or two, or three. Just “leaping out from the shore” (Kimbra). I’ve always been a safe person. Always followed the rules, always kept to myself, except when my questioning eyes filled with wonder and my non-filtered mouth bled words of wind that hurt too many people too quickly.

I live a life of seclusion, I’ve convinced many I was born in the wrong generation. I find myself most comfortable with adults and elders and confused upon my roles as a young debutante sometimes and how to react to the world. I’ve lived my life behind closed doors that I’ve refused to open and opportunities I’ve missed simply because I’ve been too scared to open them and experience the wonders.

This may be hypocritical, that above paragraph because I move every two years. But sometimes that creates a feeling of “want.”

I want to stay in my comfort zone, I don’t want to move and grow up.

But then I know I can’t. A fortune-teller once told me that I’d be a famous woman one day, or something of that matter. I shrugged it off and now I see the looks in people’s eyes and the cruel world consumes me. It makes me want to conform and crush whatever spirit was created and becomes me.

And then I read my own fortune, the card, the mirror, the crystal ball.

it’s all blank

A lot of the balderdash I’ve stashed away in the back of my mind has been slowly creeping up to the surface and I’m not the same girl with large questioning eyes naively bringing myself to believe every word a fortune teller tells me. I write my own path, I can carve and cut the card into whatever shape I want it to go or let the seasons mess with it and judge it’s contents after the year.

Conformity is not what was intended of me, I can still be the spirit of a 40’s child and exist in the world as a fully functioning adult with few relapses. I can still do a lot of things. It’s great. It’s wonderful.

I’m opening my first door, I want to see what it’s like outside of this seclusion. I want to see the world in a different light from now on.