This Valentines Day, I’ll be alone. On a plane. Waiting for my life to begin. I’ll be in tears, my heart heavy and my mind whirling about the opportunities that will arise. I’ll be scared, that I’m alone but I realized something in this past month, and it’s all due to the fact that I’ve been coming out of my shell of insecurity and silence. I still have my secrets, no doubt, but I have my friends who I’ve shared moments with, who care about me, who love me. I’ve found some weaknesses and some strengths within myself and I can only say how thankful I am and how scared I was that I never let anybody in before.
Yet I now realize that I am something special. I’ve never been one to excessively use words or compliments but I now know that what I say often weighs heavy on the heart and makes slight changes (I never remember what I say but that’s another story). Just the other day I was told that “Your personality is a killer, and people you’ve never really talked to somehow admire that energetic spirit and patience that you hold for anybody, regardless of whether or not you like them and show it.” And suddenly it dawned on me.
I’ve never needed anything except some respect for myself. And this Valentines day, I’ll respect myself by staring out the window of the plane, watching the clouds roll past me and think to myself, how lucky I am, how loved I am. How many people have changed just simply because they knew my name and they heard about me. Obviously I don’t expect any presents this year but I know I’ll be happy and not brood on the past or the future because everything is inevitable.
I wrote a long apology letter to my childhood, I watched it burn. My childhood is gone, but I’m still here, breathing, hoping, wishing. I have enough dates in my heart to remember and whenever I need to summon my patronus, I know where it is in my heart to conjure it.
“The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time. It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savour each moment, and appreciate the things we love.”
*Apology, I keep telling myself this is the last post before I leave for ____ for my indefinite hiatus (since I won’t have internet in that time period) but I’ve been so introspective lately I can’t seem to help it).