I understand the last thing you want to see is a dirty room but this is significant in that all on the floor are being thrown out or donated tomorrow. My walls are clean of clutter, and my body is exhausted, physically and mentally. Having to go through thousands of papers, items and whatnot, filling my head with memories that will be put to better use someplace else or just a memory that will never ever be recalled again.
I’ve had to stop myself a few times to give myself a little cry, it was unreal a few days ago when I saw the twenty-seven angels and I had to say my final goodbye with a smile and behind closed doors I sobbed uncontrollably for thirty minutes, then a party where I had to pretend to smile and be okay, then a few friends who I love and adore. All of that in one day, and then more parties, more goodbyes I’m surprised I’m even standing now after all of the tears. I’ve never been much of an emotional person (although recently, I’ve been more emotional than ever, mostly because of circumstances) but this is definitely going to be the most emotional week of my life.
“You are forever responsible for what you have tamed.” -Saint Antoine d’Exupery.
It may be narcissistic to say I’ve tamed them all, but I’ve met them, they’ve changed by me, I’ve changed by them. They know me very well, saw me grow, or vanish (in the cases of some friends). In a way I’ve tamed them all and they’ve all tamed me.
In a notebook I wrote down that: “I want to be an artist or a storyboard designer one day.” And next to it a picture of two girls and I’m in the middle. The girl on the left joined the goth-anime club and the other became friends with people “better than me” and decided that I wasn’t fit to be in her clique. For years I’ve struggled with the fact that I was just there and felt lonely and scared, too shy to meet new people.
The other day I was approached by somebody I respect very much, it was a comment about my words, or lack of them:
“Mem, you’re a girl of few words aren’t you?”
“It depends on what those words are.”
She smiled and told me to come closer and she hugged me.
“You’ve changed a lot, what’s happened?”
“lots, lots has happened.”
We talked for a while and she told me,
“I’m glad you’re learning to choose your words and hold your tongue, but at the same time you’re an intelligent girl who has a lot of interesting things to say. Just find the middle ground.”
“Ma’am, if I say so myself, the middle ground is this. My responses are so vague if they want to know more about me they have to find it. I’m not about to give everything away like I used to.”
It’s funny because before all of this, before typing this all up, holding pictures and names, staring, relaxing, crying, texting, saying goodbye. I remembered how I was when I was younger, as my younger self wrote: quiet, innocent, kind, spirited but I forgot to add under confident, and shy. I remembered when I wrote those words and looked at that picture thinking we’d be friends forever and always and we drifted apart while I tried to keep the past with me, they kept the past away from me. I should have gone swimming, but that’s something I have to live with and right now I think I can let go and hope for the world.