I don’t know where to begin. I wake up at an ungodly hour and put on a uniform and say to myself what I always say to myself. I talk to somebody I’ve never talked to before and had a good conversation. We are very similar and it’s nice. Neither of us held any judgment toward each other. What we needed in the world.
I come back to reality to find the same friend, carrying his pain, her pain, and transfers it onto me and I find myself, the unemotional one crying softly behind my shielded face. Trying to smile when tears want to pour out.
“I have to keep smiling. I have to…”
“Mem, don’t worry. Don’t overthink. Just be yourself. It’s all you need.”
Slowly my hands loosen and suddenly I stop smiling. My face is empty. I can feel the emotions slide away and the happiness draining.
“This silence, this is me. This is the real me.” And I smiled softly to remind them of the facade I wear so that people don’t think I’m always so serious.
God bless them and their family.