Very recently I was reminded of the shallow man who is finally dating again. After our last conversation he deemed it too difficult to have a friendship with me considering what he did and a mutual friend told me he is moving on.
When he was brought up I remembered a letter I had written to him. He insisted that I hate him for what he did to me. He insisted that he was a bad person and that he did it to keep me away.
I wrote the following:
“I don’t hate you because I think you’re lost, you’re more lost than I am. You want to present a bigger image of who you are. That nobody can hurt you or influence you that you feel the need to control the situation and think it’s okay to push me away and tell me it’s okay to hate you.
“Well, hate means you want to control the situation. You want me to go away so you don’t have to face the reality of me knowing how lost and conflicted you are.
“I was there for most of my life. I tried to push people away, I started fights just so that people wouldn’t know how broken I was, how much anger I had toward myself, my life. Somebody sat down with me and made me feel important, that I was broken, but could be fixed.
“I don’t know what you’re trying to run away from, but somebody never gave up on me. Even as I kicked and punched them. I screamed my hatred for them and how they could hate me but they just held me tighter until I broke down into tears trying to fight the reality that somebody could love someone as broken as me.”
His response consisted of two (three) words: “you’re beautiful”.
And ironically, it was then I realized he would continue to bring me down. He attempted to apologize further and this time I, unconsciously, kept pushing him away.
Its funny, were both in our own relationships now (although in all honesty I don’t even know if I’m truly in a relationship) we’ve moved on but yet we’ve matured much further in the scope of things without realizing it.
When my friend told me the news I was neither angry or jealous. I was happy. He then softly said:
“Some men are handsome and women are normally so insecure to keep them they do whatever the man wants. Then you come along. They see you, with your pretty face, your kindness, your smile, and your full attention and they think that you’re the same. When you refuse them, when you stand your ground, when you fight for yourself. They can only stand an awe and realize there’s a person underneath that facade and she’s standing there and she’s beautiful inside and out.
“The guy loves you, he probably always will. He’s probably thanking you right now for your courage and just being you so he can now find love and moving on. Realizing it’s not all about the superficial but the internal as well.”