I’m better than this

I’ve been working out a lot lately; it has a lot to do with my newfound love of Volleyball (that’s old news but the new news is that I finally found a Volleyball).

So in order for me to really practice I need another person – a wall won’t suffice.

I asked another person, of which I was getting closer to, another person I would like to know, to help me in this endeavor.

“I’ll work out for thirty minutes, if you don’t mind taking my ball to where I’ll practice?”

“I’m going bowling later.”

“Okay, well just bring me the ball then.”

Thirty minutes passes and I’m sitting on the floor wondering where she is.

Ten minutes I send a text message. Five minutes later I get a response:

“You still there?”

“Yes,” the lack of an article kills me in the previous text message. I hide my frustration.

I wait another fifteen.

“I’m tired, I’m going to go up and take a shower.”

“Come see me afterward.”

I’m not going to waste my time. I go directly to her room and pick up the volleyball. She’s in the bathroom doing her make up.

My blood’s boiling now. I run to my room and turn on the shower. No one will see me cry.

I call as many numbers as I can but as my luck goes nobody answers. I’m frustrated, I’m tired, and I’m angry so I go to the cafeteria to eat.

She’s with a bunch of other people, all of them looking pretty as can be. Surrounded by boys. I make the rash decision to turn a sharp left but not before making eye contact with the girl in question.

I’m bursting now, I want to cry in front of everybody but I can’t. I get a phone call and promise to call them back later. If I respond now, everybody will hear and I will start crying.

“I don’t feel appreciated – I don’t feel as if I matter.” I sob.

“Mem, don’t feel that way. You matter to me.” the voice on the other line says. I am back to my old ways in disagreeing with everything and everybody.

“Mem, just remember where you came from and who you are.” the man says to me again. I choke back a sob and realize I have to be better than this. I have to be stronger than this.

I have to be kinder than this.

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