Sacrifices

For the past month I’ve held hands with someone, I’ve kissed them.
I found out it was never a relationship because of my own personal morals.
“But I’m not going to change how I treat you,”
“Neither will I.”

Sometimes my kindness hurts more than anything, I’ve known this for years.

“I’m going to stand by you in the way that she can’t. You need somebody to fight your demons, I’m that person, but I’m also going to move on.”
“I’m fine about that,” he says quickly. I smile.

You’re so broken, the least I can do is fix you.

Relationships

It’s kind of strange, ever since I started this blog over a year ago I’ve been on a few actual dates most notably:

1) took me his college campus. Did not call me back again.
2) took me to the zoo. Shallow man. Led me on for a whole week before telling me he was bored, shallow, and thought I was easy.

And then there’s this new guy. In all honesty I would not have been able to handle him without the others.

He’s a good guy, older, intelligent, handsome, kind. He has a few shortcomings and I was willing to look past them. We were both attracted by superficial means; he wanted to know me physically. I wanted to know him mentally.

I was warned. Multiple times, but I wanted to see how far he and I would push our mental limits.

There was no physical activity in our interactions. Only mental. He would allude to the physical nature of his personality and somehow I would divert it to protect myself per ce.

This lasted a week. There was no warning he would give up.

And as sad as I was regarding the last two, I feel little for this one. For one, I’m moving in a few months. Two, I’ve been through these steps before, he lost and I have won. Three, honestly if he can respect the boundary I put up and walk away before it’s too late he’s a good man, just not for me, yet.

I read an article that stated: “the older men get, they tend to look more for marriage.”

I’m nineteen, almost twenty. He’s twenty-four. Unless he meets this amazing girl who fits his current standards, he’s not going to settle down now.

And plus, its his decision, his life. Just like it was my decision, and my life.

Its sometimes mind boggling how much I’ve changed in the past year.

The list

One of my best friends forever grew tired of me complaining about myself and comparing myself against others. He started compiling a list.

“What is this for?”
“A list of people who would do anything for you, but more specifically, those who want you as their own.”

I’ve only known my best friend forever for five months and I’m intrigued. I see five names scrawled on the paper, including the shallow man. His is there as well.

“You can’t be serious.”
“If I weren’t engaged to the woman of my dreams, I would have fallen for you as well.”
“What about the shallow man? Why is he on here?”
“He’s here because he does love you, otherwise he would have finished you the way he wanted. He doesn’t know it yet.”

I want to vomit, but part of the reason why we get along so well is because we see through people and look to true intentions.

“I have a few other names in mind if this is what you want.”

I start writing the names from my childhood, the people I kissed, the people who gave me Valentine’s cards, the ones who called me with their fumbled confessions.

“Mem, you just realize you wrote down seventeen names.”

On the side of each name I wrote why they were on the list.

“And some you just knew, they never told you.”

“Some people, are so scared of rejection. But you know as well as I do, when our gut feelings kick in we know how they feel.”

He smiles.

“Whenever you feel down, or ugly, or upset. Look at this list. Look at how many people have tried to be with you and you knew that it wasn’t right for you. Don’t be so difficult from this point forward, promise?”

I run my fingers through the names, smile, then tear the page apart. He looks confused.

“What is that about?”

“The reason why they’re all on this list is, you’re right, I chose past them. I may have broken them in various ways, but you know, I can hold them as strength in my heart and not a decree on a piece of paper.”

Growth

It’s been a while, and a lot has happened.

And I mean a lot.

I’m getting ready for another move; this time continental. Goodbye southern US and welcome to the Big Apple… area.

I’m reflecting on these last nine months and my own personal achievements within them. Its bittersweet but at the same time the world moves on and I need to keep moving with it.

I mean:

At nineteen years old, I traveled the world over, I saw things and did things no normal teenager should ever know or do. I moved by myself to another country to do something I thought was right and faced opposition from those that love me. I faced the uncertain conclusion of when I would see my parents again and how much it would hurt that some people could drive to see them.

I receive an associates degree on Tuesday, a degree that takes only six rigorous months of completion. I am going to work at a good institution and my future is set.

Why did I worry or care so much before? Why did I let my insecurities run my life. I now realize I’m meant for so much more and from now on I’m not-  nor ever want to hold back.

And I have all the support I need, never dry of love.

Shallow people

I went on that date I mentioned the other day only to wake up to a text message the next morning.

More on that later.

The date was blissful, but there was something missing. I could not figure out what it was but there was something missing.

I woke up to a text message that asked me why I refused to have sex before marriage and if there was a chance of me ever changing my mind.

“I want to give my future husband everything I have. My innocence intact.”
“Good then lets just stay as friends.”
“Please elaborate.”
“I’m not a good person. You won’t stay innocent if you stay with me.”
“So, what was the point of yesterday.”
“You want the truth. The whole truth?”
“Yes.”

I sat there staring at my phone for a good five minutes.

“You won’t put out, I’m shallow and I was bored.”
“Thank you for everything. I appreciate your honesty. I harbor no I’ll feelings against you.”

I didn’t cry. I didn’t apologize. I just sat there feeling numb for a few minutes. Was I just nothing more than a simple play toy to satiate the libido of a young man, and even that didn’t happen.

I blocked him. I don’t need people like him in my life. I don’t need the memory that he would have gladly taken away what’s rightly mine.

And yet I feel better than I ever did before. More confident, stronger, just a big change from before.

And just because a jerk walked into my life.

Lightbringer

Start: 1748

image

A few months ago, I made a man cry from an act of kindness. He told me later: “they give you so many nicknames that they associate you with each one personally. You are a lightbringer.”

I find myself writing today because of a tragedy or a to be tragedy. The transience of life flickering before our eyes. Often, we forget our own fragility. It’s sad when you receive bad news. Its worse when the back news comes from somebody you love and they deliver it with the full force.

People are sometimes so strong. I think. Especially when they cry.

I was unable to hold the bad news giver. I was unable to hold the bad news. My eyes flickered and suddenly his pain became her pain became my pain. I wanted to let her know that I felt for her. Loved her all the same and prayed that things would be alright.

God provides. They will be, only we never know that things will be alright when they happen. Were too involved in the superficial to notice the natural process.

Life is painful, but the most painful things are sometimes the most beautiful. I just hope and pain that we sometimes carry amongst ourselves is lifted. Especially from this specific family this post is written about.

Pain

Start 2107

I find myself in a lot of pain these days. Twisted almost morbid pain. Its not mental, its physical as the result of a poor diet and unluckiness. I almost want it to be mental but I am not so lucky.

I once again find myself struggling, in more than one place. I need to find sanctity, peace, that way my physical pain may heal and I can keep the scar that reminds me that god has protected and healed me yet again.

End 2110