In the clouds

About two weeks ago I got the surprise of my life.

I was accepted to a distinguished and difficult to get into college.

When the package came in, I held it against my heart, hoping, praying that it was what I wanted and needed it to be.

When I opened it I cried.

“I’m going to keep this secret!” I screamed as I dialed my boss.

“Nobody will ever know!” As I called my father.

“Keep it secret!” I screamed as I ran up and hugged my best friend in the hallway crying while confused people opened their doors to the commotion.

One letter has just changed my life.

The fifteenth

This is quite a days date but it’s better late than never.

Every year on January fifteenth, I feel a pang of guilt. Another year passes me by and I think about the fact I will soon surpass her earthly age. I drew pictures, I wanted to be her, but she was a lesson.

She’s my guardian angel now but as the fifteenth looms and passes by I always feel so much more invigorated and loved.

Happy birthday ___. I love and miss you, you are my forever idol.

Landing

I landed at midnight. Unable to sleep on any of the planes the exhaustion ran through my veins and the people greeting me asked about it.

“I’m fine,” I mumble as I dig through my life and find the papers I need and sign them sloppily. They hand me linens I don’t need and I’m thankful, thankful to finally glimpse the elusive world of dreams.

The next day I call a cab and the drivers name is: “Tony da driva.” I laugh softly and I ask him to give me a tour of my new home. He is delighted.

Over here, over there. History, beauty and rich people.

My heart melts. I think I’m going to love it here.

Growth

It’s been a while, and a lot has happened.

And I mean a lot.

I’m getting ready for another move; this time continental. Goodbye southern US and welcome to the Big Apple… area.

I’m reflecting on these last nine months and my own personal achievements within them. Its bittersweet but at the same time the world moves on and I need to keep moving with it.

I mean:

At nineteen years old, I traveled the world over, I saw things and did things no normal teenager should ever know or do. I moved by myself to another country to do something I thought was right and faced opposition from those that love me. I faced the uncertain conclusion of when I would see my parents again and how much it would hurt that some people could drive to see them.

I receive an associates degree on Tuesday, a degree that takes only six rigorous months of completion. I am going to work at a good institution and my future is set.

Why did I worry or care so much before? Why did I let my insecurities run my life. I now realize I’m meant for so much more and from now on I’m not-  nor ever want to hold back.

And I have all the support I need, never dry of love.

Lightbringer

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A few months ago, I made a man cry from an act of kindness. He told me later: “they give you so many nicknames that they associate you with each one personally. You are a lightbringer.”

I find myself writing today because of a tragedy or a to be tragedy. The transience of life flickering before our eyes. Often, we forget our own fragility. It’s sad when you receive bad news. Its worse when the back news comes from somebody you love and they deliver it with the full force.

People are sometimes so strong. I think. Especially when they cry.

I was unable to hold the bad news giver. I was unable to hold the bad news. My eyes flickered and suddenly his pain became her pain became my pain. I wanted to let her know that I felt for her. Loved her all the same and prayed that things would be alright.

God provides. They will be, only we never know that things will be alright when they happen. Were too involved in the superficial to notice the natural process.

Life is painful, but the most painful things are sometimes the most beautiful. I just hope and pain that we sometimes carry amongst ourselves is lifted. Especially from this specific family this post is written about.

Pain

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I find myself in a lot of pain these days. Twisted almost morbid pain. Its not mental, its physical as the result of a poor diet and unluckiness. I almost want it to be mental but I am not so lucky.

I once again find myself struggling, in more than one place. I need to find sanctity, peace, that way my physical pain may heal and I can keep the scar that reminds me that god has protected and healed me yet again.

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